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It’s good.

Ok see here’s where shit really goes from dumb and bad to “wow holy shit whoever wrote this is so drunk and horny and wants to hook up with a wolf.”

Once again. These are NOT werewolves. These are just big wolves. Nothing “were” about them. 

Jacob is a fucking problem and sucks worse than everything else about this. Imagine getting a secret invite to a wedding as a show of good faith from someone you’ve had previous beef with, and then almost immediately start yelling at the bride and grabbing her with force. Because that’s Jacob.

Oh and then later he just says “dibs” on a baby and everyone is like “damn that’s their culture though.” 

PS: they’re doing a fucking open mic at a wedding.

Hahahaha wtf this sucks.

This is just Home Alone for Dads.

Boomer Power Trip Porn usually MOVES. This is molasses. A 2 hour feels like 3 hour type picture.

Denzel is not the problem except for his physical limitations at this age. Glad he got a continuous bag with this franchise at least.

Another astounding visual stunner from the Petty Era of Katzenberg’s break up with Disney.

This is so delightful. I wish I could’ve seen it in theaters. I usually find this style of humor to clash with characters being enjoyable but I think the thread the needle nicely.

A little late to the LOLZ MEMEZ party but again they find a way to make it work.

If you don’t watch this as a meme/shit post, it’s a pretty unhinged herald of the fact that Seinfeld is a washed up creep.

Wtf is this? The sexually charged relationship is a cornerstone to the plot. It’s such an insane amount of bee puns? They work in a weird amount of racial jokes involving mosquitos?

Who is this for? Why did this happen?

“Be well.”

“Be fucked.”

Both gnarly AND tight.

This is whites only Get Out.

I hate this. Every character in this is a terrible person. The writing is horrible. They give you absolutely nothing to care about or root for.

Greg is openly bullied by doctors for being a nurse. These people get hyper competitive over pool volleyball. Dinero claims to be a extremely meticulous planner yet runs a household where a particular toilet being flushed flood the entire backyard with septic overflow.

Pam lies to Greg about her previous engagement. Dinero’s cover as a retired CIA agent is that he’s a florist, but he doesn’t bother to learn anything about botany.

There’s an established plot point that Greg/Stiller’s suitcase is lost by the airline. They know he doesn’t have his clothes. Yet Dinero’s son is caught pulling a pipe out of the bright yellow FUBU jacket he loans to Greg and claims it’s Greg’s. HOW DOES THE FORMER CIA HUMAN LIE DETECTOR NOT KNOW THATS HIS SONS JACKET?

This is one of those movies where people might say “that’s the point.” But the point is fucking stupid. 

Absolute tripe. Weird 1990-2000 loud kissing. Greg calls his dick Mr Winky and his partner likes it.

My favorite part of this movie is when Gene Hackman’s big pregame speech includes “Don’t worry about their fancy uniforms!” and then the other basketball team is wearing belts.

These aren’t werewolves, they’re just big wolves.

Jacob needs to be on a watchlist. What a piece of shit.

They make such a big deal about how you NEED to light vampires on fire to kill them, yet we do not see one instance of a vampire making a come back after they get their fucking head knocked off. They crumble like stone if they get punched hard enough? One of them gets their hand bit off and it’s very clear that hand is gone forever. Just drop anvils on their heads?

The big wolves seem horribly suited to fight vampires? They just have their teeth as weapon. Why not make them actual werewolves so they have claws and bipedal movement?

Oh? What’s that? It’s because Stephanie Meyer is just a cataclysmicly horny hack that just wanted to fuck Henry Cavil and somehow that became a massive franchise about wanting to fuck 200 year old teenagers and big wolves? Got it.

This series is a condemnation on the late 2000s as a cultural wasteland and it should be forever ed as a warning that success doesn’t equate to quality. Fuck this franchise.

I will watch the somehow even worse 2 sequential movies though. Fuck it.

I’m surprised this movie didn’t create its own brand of weebs. I guess that’s fedora guys?

It’s a slick type of movie. Very slick flick. This kinda movie gets out of traffic tickets.

Lotta fun. Kinda knows how cool it is, and it’s almost douchey, but it’s not.

Really drives home why I hate playing poker.

A complete spin-out in quality with a gear shit up in implications of the terrible horrors that lurk in this god-forsaken reality of mechanical chaos.

First off, there’s a ton of derogatory jokes about makes and models of cars, which can only be explained as racism.

Cars have to use the bathroom, and honestly I have no idea what to even do with that.

There is a Car Pope, meaning that it’s safe to assume Jesus Chrysler was publicly executed by the state some 2000+ years ago.

The primary plot of the film revolves around Larry the Cable Guy and Michael Caine engaging in high stakes spycraft. We see several state of the art military war machines like battleships and fight jets. So we are left to understand the cars live under the same proverbially guillotine of puppet master oligarchs we suffer in our own reality.

We see the cars use heavy firearms on each other multiple times, and see more than a couple car corpses throughout. Haunting.

The cars are somehow even hornier in this one.

Overall, this picture runs out of gas well before the finish line in this disappointing (yet somehow more unsettling) sequel.

This is a twisted dive into a world of horror bordering on an eldritch abyss that I truly would not wish on my worst enemy.

This world is a utilitarian hellscape where you are born into a function and have no choice in what you will serve as in this society.

Where do the baby cars come from? Are the cars laying eggs? Is this a Planet of the Apes scenario where AI enhanced cars rose up and seized the means of production centuries ago? There are no answers that don’t invite terror.

Why are the mountains shaped like cars? Naturally occurring geographic formations look like the dominant species? What does it MEAN??

There’s a jeep, which implies WW2 happened in this world.

At one point, Mac the Semi Truck declares “Thank the Manufacturer!” meaning there is dogmatic belief of a Creator. What fresh hells did Disney not have the BALLS to reveal to us?

All in all. Pretty airtight plot that clearly resonates with a lot of kids on a really magical level. But undoubtedly proof that bright colors and Larry the Cable Guy is enough of a shroud to keep us all from seeing the fathomless horrors lying just under the hood.

Best theatre experience of my life.

The Pepsi to National Treasure’s Coca-Cola.

I don’t think they even knew what the point of this was but clearly everybody had a good time making it.

Take my review as a card carrying Zhaniac with a grain of salt.

Even as I slowly grow callous to Wes Anderson’s shtick this always comes across as a delightful experience.

The performances, dialogue, and animation style all hit consistently.

Unique and delightfully strange bordering on horror in certain moments.

I wish we had more self contained one offs like this.

Normally I hate this hyper realistic style in animation but it compliments the weird, trippy spirit of the picture perfectly.

Fuck Johnny Depp though.

Unpopular opinion but I believe this one keeps pace with its predecessor and delivers on cinematography in a really special way.

I’m a bit biased as the aesthetics utilized are very much my style, but it really is an easy on the eyes type of picture.

I can acknowledge its plot and emotional peaks of the story probably don’t press the same magic buttons as the first, but I’ll always see this pair as a great 1-2 combo of their day.

As a comedy? Pretty bland.

This always feels like the one Brooks picture where he doesn’t love the genre.

There’s an underlying tone of “I don’t get this and I care about it.” through out.

It’s all bits, and it’s still funny, but for me, it falls short of the master’s catalogue.

The Search for More Money continues.

Twilight is just Highlander with extra steps.

Michael Sheen is the only person who seems to be having fun here.

I’m dead positive somebody made this to impress their dad.

It’s like they couldn’t decide if they wanted to Connor to be a glib charming smart mouth or a brooding edgy antisocial loner. He changes in any given scene.

This movie is about men chopping off each other’s heads instead of going to therapy.

Sean Connery says “pendejo” and wears a peacock cape.

Mr Krabs is the villain.

TONS of homophobia.

The way these guys react to killing other immortals is how I react to plugging USB’s in correctly on the first try.

Completely runs out of gas by the end.

For a movie with this much sword fighting it’s crazy how bad the sword fighting is.

This review may contain spoilers.

Is this the FINAL reckoning? I’m not so sure it is! Plenty to be reckoned with still!

I feel so stupid saying “the Entity.” Like I don’t think that was the first thing they thought of but I do think they were too tired to top it and just decided “fine who cares.”

I don’t want tense, drawn out, methodical set pieces! I want PLANE FIGHTS! MORE PLANE FIGHTS!

Tommy saw the script didn’t allow for him to be in his little booty shorts and he said “ABSOLUTELY NOT. I’m 60 and this Dumptruck is out of control. Write it again!”

I never know what is going on in these movies so it makes sense the one that I followed the entire time was the worst one since 2.

I can’t explain it but this is the most Scientological one.

This movie looks the way Surge tasted.

I genuinely don’t understand how Ethan saves the world this many times and everybody is still mad at him the next movie.

It’s kinda annoying but also impressive how much lore and backstory they just introduce out of nowhere like I’m not just here to see Tommy’s big ass stunts.

I fight the urge to do Fuck Bin Landen anytime I go to karaoke.

This absolutely the best movie ever made about fascist owls by Zack Snyder.

They try so fucking hard to do two things in this movie:

1. Make all the owls look different so you know which characters they are.

2. Make owl war look cool.

And I deeply ire how hard that effort was, but at the end of the day:

1. They’re all bunch of fucking owls and I had no idea who anyone was. They should’ve had different color hats on or something.

2. It was a bunch of birds flying into each other.

Helen Mirren has a primary role in this.

Honestly owe this film an apology I was not familiar with its game.

A wild ride and a pitch perfect first 15 minutes to hook you in hard, but I do think all of the death scenes are like one funny song choice away from this just being a comedy.

Somebody also sincerely says “I’m NEVER gonna die.” Like dude even if this guy is insane why prod the bear? Death is gonna hear you.

The insistent conviction that this actually a great movie is wild Stockholm syndrome. It’s fine. Pretty good even. But it’s better by comparison grace has run amuck into people acting like it’s on par with the original trilogy.

Like the other two prequels, it’s bloated and is trying to spin way too many plates and everybody is talking like weird robots who have never had a conversation with another person before.

Unlike the other two prequels, it actually has a primary through line that is undeniably solid and a good delivery on paying off the central character’s growth and downfall.

Also Palpatine goin’ NYEAAAAAAAAAA! 🌪️

I curled up like a dead bug twice.

I haven’t laughed this hard in a movie in years.

This might be more nuts than that new Marvel.

Ok look I’m not saying this is a great movie, but I will say Jimmy Cameras fucked me all the way up with this bonkers ass whale flick.

I wish I loved anything as much as Jimmy C loves the fucking ocean. If he could make out with the ocean we’d never see him again. Was anybody surprised Jimmy capped this thing off with a big sinking ship? I wasn’t. I’d bet a cool G right now Cams was stiff as a church pew the entire time they shot that sequence.

Teenage Sigourney was a fucking insane choice and easily my least favorite thing about this. Just get a young person? What the fuck was that!

Jimmy also writes dialogue for teenagers and military guys like he’s only ever had them described to him on a one sheeter.

Actual dialogue:
“Bro we gotta go down there!”
“No way bro! Dad will skin us!”

Wrap around Oakleys Na’vi is the funniest shit I ever saw and I will rewatch this movie just to see him again.

Got to see it on the big screen in the heart of the west valley and it’s definitely a movie that hits different in a packed theater.

Classic for a reason, if a bit rung out by its own constant presence in pop culture.

Stellar performances and emotionally powerful, especially from Madison. Very impressive production overall.

Would love to see a 90 minute cut of this. I’m not sure “man shows picture of man-boy to strangers” for 30 minutes added to the overall experience here.

It is definitely better than its predecessor but in the way a Big Mac is better than a week old Big Mac.

Anakin is an insane toddler. He was somehow more emotionally developed in Episode 1 than this one.

Ewan as Obi Wan is great and the Geonosis arena goes hard. Also shout out to the big dawg Dexter Jettster. Gotta be in my top 5 nonsense characters.

The whole movie is a full letter grade better if Anakin was 16 years old. It highlights the Jedi council concerns about being too old, the pod racing becomes something you can buy into, and it fixes all the weird Pe energy.

Silly silly movie about trade disputes and a psycho hippie overly bought into religious dogma making a child compete in a death race.

Me sa think dis bombad.

Super funny LA classic.

Felt a little bit of time drag in the 2nd to 3rd act transition but the laughs don’t stop and ultimately that’s all I’m asking for from comedies this pure.

It is both the least “Marvel Movie” and yet still clearly a Marvel Movie and both in good ways.

Strongest ensemble performance in the franchise, but the heavy lifting is done by Florence and Pullman with strong showings from everybody else. Harbour kinda reminds you why he was that “next guy up” when Stranger Things debuted.

If you don’t like the MCU this probably won’t change your mind, but it might surprise you.

If you like the MCU, this very well could give you that feeling like they got something cooking again.

Gross.

Solid LPM and great bits through out.

Like a fast casual dining follow up to Roger Rabbit but one of those straight to streaming I would've gone to the theatre for.

Boooooooo

This review may contain spoilers.

It is ultimately Fern Gully/Dances with Wolves on the Moon, but it’s undeniably impressive and thoroughly entertaining.

Part of the charm is there is absolutely nobody coasting. Everyone is going maximum effort and clearly believe in the vision.

I think its sequel eclipses it in an astounding way, but the lack of cultural impact here could be attributed to a lot of different things. Which ultimately doesn’t matter, because I will probably be in my 50s when this franchise finishes and I’ll be buying a ticket for it.

There is a point in the first hour of this where you’re like “oh ok it’s taking itself just seriously enough it’ll be fun.”

But then it keeps taking itself seriously.

And it keeps going.

And then you’ve been watching it for 80 minutes and you realize it’s not about to be over.

Why is Allen Tudyk here?

This would've been so much better if it was just about non legacy characters doing a space heist.

I guess Lando is gonna fuck the ship?

As somebody who will never have kids I cannot imagine how terrifying this is for parents.

Visually hypnotic but ultimately fails to deliver on the potential of its own horrifying reality.

Glad I watched it and impressed but ultimately outshined in an era where daring and experimental horror is far more common than years past.

If I was a bad guy in this franchise I’d simply demand that everybody proves they aren’t wearing a really convincing mask anytime I meet them.

Prime Kurt Ruffles.

Any movie with James Hong has an unfair advantage with me but you combine that with a synth driven soundtrack and I’m 99% sold.

Wish I could’ve seen this for the first time in a run down movie theater.

I wish franchises got to take bigger swings like this.

This is not good, and it’s probably not even accomplishing its goal of translating the source material, but the characters look like the characters and the sets look like the levels.

It’s not translating Shakespeare. It’s translating Hadouken.

I hope everybody had fun making this.

I always try to judge movies based off what they were trying to accomplish, but given the fact this movie was trying to accomplish the goal of being a gluten free Power Rangers alternative (at one point somebody says “these heroes don’t MORPH” like that’s the lamest shit you could ever do) with kangaroo people, I’ve gotta leave that policy to the side because it would get 10 stars.

I love when actors understand they’re in something insane and go sicko mode chewing scenery to match the tone.

The prosthetic make up and practical effects on what I cant imagine was a serious budget deserves flowers.

Loses a star for the constant use of choppy frame rate.

VONTAE MACK NO MATTER WHAT

This propaganda for a sports league.

Kevin Costner is so stressed out by his pregnant girlfriend JENNIFER GARNER.

It’s really weird that they couldn’t have Costner throw his own laptop into the wall and it had to be an intern’s lap. “We will ge you a better one with all the bells and whistles.” MY FUCKING SENIOR PROJECT WAS ON THERE YOU FUCKING DINOSAUR.

This entire movie deserves relentless and intense examination.