"Both my parents died tragically in childbirth."

North Sea Hijack pretty much begins with Lloyds of London realising that oil rigs are a potential target for terrorists or criminals and that they bloody well ought to have a plan in place just in case.

So they bring in ffolkes, a man with his own private band of marines, who figures out how one would go about hijacking a rig and from there, how he would foil such a plan.

fflokes,…

Happy birthday to 2001, yes, it's been 50 years since it went on general release. Just think on that for a moment, 50 years. Think about how far cinema had come in the half century before Kubrick made this film and how far it's come in that same amount of time since then and you realise, if you hadn't already, what an extraordinary achievement it is.

Now I'm sure there are people out there who like to decry the love…

Jim Fuller (Stuart Whitman) has just been released from prison, for what crime we don't know. What we do know is that he is under the supervision of a psychiatrist, who has been able to get him a job as an ant, only the owner of the firm knows what he did, and while that man's secretary, Ruth, knows he's done time, she doesn't know why.

What is slowly revealed is that his crime was intent to commit child molestation,…

Rainbow arrives in prison to do a 12-month stretch for GBH, and is taken under the wing of old lag Red Band, working in the kitchen.

Red Band is forever working his little schemes, even when he's in danger of losing his remission, just because, when the idea of stealing an entire gammon right from under the noses of the screws, pops into his head, he can't resist the challenge.

I always thought that Two-Way Stretch was the inspiration for…

The story of how two pre-teens, both of whom appear to be delusional and one of whom has been diagnosed as schizophrenic attempted to murder a friend of theirs believing that they are acting under the instructions of Slenderman.

What that lies at the heart of their delusion and what makes it so difficult to break is exactly the same thing that lies at the heart of any religious belief you care to mention, which is the impossibility of disproving…

007 Rank-A-Thon

At last a realistic Bond villain, at least in of his aims and the method by which he's setting out to achieve it, flooding the US with a couple of tons of opium (it sounds much less threatening than heroin) which will be given away for free thereby knocking out all the competition in one fell swoop. I'm not sure if it would actually work out like that, but it's not completely unrealistic, and what's more the…