I knew all about the Newt and Hicks thing that happens in this movie, which is precisely why I decided that it probably wasn't for me and I should just let my fondness for the original duology stand untarnished. Ultimately however, I figured "What's the harm in taking a peek at what the rest of this series has to offer?" the third film can't possibly be as bad as everyone says, right?

Well...

I figured it would be reductive to dwell on the Newt and Hicks thing, as much of a burden as it is on the goodwill I can afford this movie given how meaningless it renders one of the greatest action films and sequels of all time. I was shocked to discover, however, that in of swiftly disposing of characters and their bonds with Ripley that you might form an emotional attachment to, the opening is not an isolated incident??? Clemens is the only new character I found myself getting mildly invested in, particularly because they actually take the time to develop a backstory for him and allow Ripley to form a decent emotional bond with him. And then surprise! He's killed off halfway through and not mentioned again from that point onward! As if the movie insisting that ALIENS was a waste of time wasn't irritating enough, now it's trying to tell me that most of the first half of the movie I'm currently watching was also a waste of time. I can so easily imagine a climactic dramatic sacrifice for Clemens to make in service of Ripley, and instead we get...I don't know, a subversion, I guess? I didn't see his death coming so...great job guys. Ya got me.

David Fincher has famously publicly disowned this film, and I assumed it was mainly because the script wasn't up to his standards as a filmmaker. My assumption seemed to be correct based on much of the first hour; to put it bluntly, this movie has the sauce for a while there. The funeral scene in particular is one I can perfectly reconcile with the Fincher of today. Then, all of a sudden, the movie just...becomes sauceless (not that Fincher himself deserves any blame for this). Despite being the darkest and bleakest of the trilogy, this is absolutely the least terrifying; i think the scariest moment for me was the Distortion of the 20th Century Fox logo at the beginning. The Xenomorph is just unbearably lame in this, feeling less like a methodical perfect life form and more like a dumb animal who only comes across as difficult to trap because of the relatively unintelligent characters we're stuck with and the ridiculous external circumstances of this location (NO WEAPONS?!? AT ALL?!? YOU GO BY THE "HONOR SYSTEM"?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!) There was certainly an attempt at something creative with those POV shots, but man did they misfire, instead coming across like a lame theme park ride. And don't even get me started on Dillon (the only decent non-Ripley character to survive until the second half) being able to let out multiple quips as the Xenomorph tears him to shreds. Was this entire film just an avenue for the Alien series to sabotage itself as a brand?

I respected aspects of this film enough (particularly its production design) to lean towards a 5 out of 10, but that ending really dragged it down for me. First, the concept of Bishop's creator looking exactly like him is just a perfect expression of narcissism and arrogance, and boy does it make me wish such an excellent idea for a secondary antagonist wasn't wasted on the last 10 minutes of this shit. But more importantly, Ripley's cliche cringeworthy Christ-like position as she sacrifices herself, complete with the fire behind her being the single most unconvincing visual effect out of the entire Trilogy thus far, is punctuated by the alien finally bursting from her chest at that exact moment. I hate to sound like a serial nitpicker, but isn't that kind of insane? And completely pointless? And incongruent with every other instance of a chestburster occurrence involving horrible convulsions? I don't know, I guess because it's the queen it's different or something. It just irritated me to no end, particularly because without the chestbursting, Ripley's sacrifice would have felt a lot more noble as she put the good of the universe before her own life. Here, i suppose she still did, but considering she was 10 seconds away from chestbursting, it just feels like she's robbed of her autonomy with this choice.

At the end of the day though, does it really matter? Does anything that happens in this miserable and mediocre movie really matter? It's not difficult at all to see how Alien 3 acquired such a negative reputation over the years. It basically requires you to detach yourself from any and all investment you've had in the struggles of Ellen Ripley as a character. Who gives a shit her daughter figure is dead. Who cares that she perishes in a fire on some backwater prison planet. The movie coldly and clinically shows you that this is what happens to her. It's the hand she's dealt at the very beginning of the movie, she has to suck it up and deal with it, and so do you. And...ok? Fine. But once you accept that this is Ripley's final Act and she can't do anything about it, the movie also has to be good. And instead it's boring, occasionally stupid, and nowhere near as scary as its predecessors. Not only does it leave Ripley with absolutely nothing by the end of it, it leaves you with nothing. It leaves Alien as a franchise with nothing. I know there's one more film set after this chronologically with a Ripley clone who plays basketball or whatever, and I don't know if I'm going to find it better or worse than this one; probably worse if its reputation is anything to go by.

With that said, I sincerely doubt that any other film in the franchise moving forward will be as empty as this one. It's far from the worst film I've seen, or even the worst franchise film, but Alien 3 is truly one of the emptiest films I've ever seen in my life.