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Hissing like a pickled serpent, Shane MacGowan smashes headfirst into this entertaining documentary on a non-covert mission to endearingly slur heartfelt songs while guzzling every single drop of alcohol within reach as tragedy suddenly strikes from out of nowhere and his beloved bottle of Irish whiskey is kidnapped by invisible terrorists forcing Shane to assemble a ragtag group of patrons from the local pub to bring her back alive.

Before the internet existed, I was heavily involved with video trading through the mail and was always on a quest for crazy and unique stuff to watch and share with friends. Every Friday was "weird VHS night" in my basement and 'The Way Things Go' was always one of the things that blew people's minds (next to the Bud Dwyer clip, of corpse, hardy har!). It's the first "chain reaction" film I ever saw and to this day, it still impresses. Two artists with crazy skills take over a warehouse space and turn a sequence of inanimate objects into a gripping performance piece as they play off each other and interact. Chemistry! Gravity! Insanity! With Youtube and the like, these videos are now commonplace, but at the time this came out it was one helluvan original thing to witness.

Let me just start by saying that I love movies about poo. My Germanic heritage naturally lends itself to this. In fact, there isn't a movie about fecal content that I haven't seen. "Shitter Island," "Poop Dreams," "Follow That Turd." It's the only section on my DVD shelf that friends never ask to borrow anything from and it's a good thing too since I watch them over and over again. I even had a wall-mounted screen installed in the bathroom so I could really get my hands dirty and dig deep into the plots. "Doggy Poo" is a heart and hand warming tale from below the tail. It talks, it loves, it's cute as a button. Anyone who says this movie stinks could not be more bang on the money. A true triumph of the canine spirit! An inspiration for the generations!

I have revisited 'Travellers and Magicians' 3 times and I'm probably due for another re-watch. This film is awesomely meditative and the equivalent of visual comfort food, as completely hokey as that sounds. Set and filmed in the stunning landscape of Bhutan, the story is a contemplative fable that follows two men on a journey of self discovery. Again, sounds flakey, but to the eye-rollers out there, it's not. 'Travellers and Magicians' is an example of how film has the capacity to transport you far away from your own personal reality. Unless of course you already live in Bhutan and then this shit is just the same old same old. "Mountains, monks, the spiritual essence of life... yeah, yeah, yeah." This movie should never end, and inside my own private neck potato, it never does.

Ridiculous guilty pleasure! I would put this in the same category as 'Being Mick' (2001) in that it's a fully endorsed glimpse into the private life of an egotistical and moody entertainer who lives in a fantasy world most will never come close to experiencing. Elton John's husband David Furnish directed and shot this and it essentially amounts to a glamorized home movie. What's enjoyable about Tantrums & Tiaras is it's a "warts & all" snapshot of Elton John, family man and full-on fucking diva. I'm certain we don't get to see the truly looney shit that must go on, but there are some beautiful hissy fits and ridiculous realities that come from being a flamboyant zillionaire. Reserved & recommended for a time you don't want anything too demanding. Unlike Sir Elton at the flower shop.

This review may contain spoilers.

I came for the romantic DVD cover, I stayed for the wonderfully romantic scene of a man milking a shapely woman as if she were a bovine. Bravo! Kudos! That was the best part of the film, though. Truthfully, what else could possibly compare?

This is a film that rises to the top section of many ‘Greatest Ever” lists so I eagerly anticipated my date night with Lola Montes. The movie was Max Ophuls first and last foray into the world of colour film (he died in ’57) and it was very quickly apparent to me why this picture is held in such high regard by so many. The look of this sucker kicked the feet out from under my lower jaw causing my tongue to dart helplessly around the carpet for a few minutes until I could get a grip and ram the slimy beast back into its filthy home. The cinematography and choreography were equally responsible for summoning this disgusting display. What didn’t just leave me winded, but choked me into submission, was the 3D-like depth of view featured in the opening scenes. Ophuls must have been both obsessive and a perfectionist to have managed to create such a show of visual art.

The many romances of cabaret dancer Lola Montes (as played by Martine Carol) are told in flashbacks and live action sequences performed by a kaleidoscopic circus. The ringleader (Peter Ustinov) sensationalizes the stories in the role of showman, the equivalent of a present day tabloid narrator. Montes and dozens of performers (including many a marvellous midget) act out the events.

As the stained sheet unfolds and we delve into Montes the woman, we only get so close. She appears strong yet fragile. Her many relationships and intimate encounters are brought to life for the eager paying attendants who revel in all the juicy, sordid details. With this comes a degree of sadness. Some of the acting can be overwrought and melodramatic but in the context of the film, this is really only a minor distraction. Lola Montes is a gorgeous Cinemascope dreamscape with breathtaking, lavish colour that is just so goddamn stunning. Criterion have made her available in a 2-disc edition and she knocked my holey socks clear off.

Unfortunately, NEDS is not a movie about a psychotic physician who clones Ned Beatty and s the replicas together ala Human Centipede and then sends the troupe out on a cross country comedy adventure co-starring Rob Schneider and Udo Kier as “The Cleaner.” This NEDS (Non-Educated Delinquents) is the first film directed by Peter Mullan since 2002 heavy hitter, The Magdalene Sisters. I may not have been quite as eager to see this NEDS as I would be at the prospect of that other NEDS, but I was certainly not left sulking in a puddle of disappointment after this one.

Peter Mullan, the actor, is recognizable from appearances in films like My Name is Joe, Trainspotting, Boy A etc. Mullan, the director, hasn’t exactly been cranking out the movies and it’s apparent that he subscribes to “quality vs. quantity.” The Scottish born filmmaker with a background in political activism creates intense and jarring cinema. Like The Magdalene Sisters before it, NEDS nails you with force, right in the breadbasket.

Gifted student John McGill is preparing for his high school years in 1970s Glasgow, Scotland. Although mild mannered, he stands out from his peers in the rough, working class neighbourhood simply because he takes an interest in academics and possesses a drive to better himself. The reality of the institutionalized school system comes crashing down rather quickly, however. The teachers, many of whom could care less about making a difference, simply take on the role of wardens in an attempt to contain the contents of the holding cell powder keg. As time goes by, the persistence of crime, violence and hopelessness take their toll on John and he slips beneath the thick tread of their influence.

John McGill is Conor McCarron’s first film role and in many ways, he reminds me of Ray Winstone in Scum. In fact, the films of Alan Clarke are kindred spirits to NEDS in their brutal yet honest portrayals of adolescent struggle in the face of harsh fucking reality. Mullan, who also appears in NEDS as Conor’s alcoholic father, neither glorifies nor condemns the youth for their behaviour. He puts the entire system that has been designed to practically ensure failure on display, warts on top of warts and all.

NEDS is heavy duty but it isn’t without humour – I genuinely laughed at the ridiculousness of some scenarios (which were meant to be funny) and how the characters tried their best to get through them. There were instances where some pretty major happenings don’t end up amounting to anything, and it felt like they should have. These do work against the film to a degree. As a whole, though, this one stood out for me in my batch of recent viewings.

I was lucky to have been able to check out a print of The Magdalene Sisters when it was in its theatrical run and I anticipate the next Mullan helmed movie. Although, at this rate, it may not happen for another 10 years down the road.

The “burn-on-demand” service now offered by many of the major studios has put thousands of previously (legally) unavailable titles into the hands and onto the screens of film fans. Most likely in an effort to offset some of the money lost to piracy, the vast war chests have been torn open. One such film to be unearthed by Warner as part of their Archive Collection is the 1949 noir ‘The Window.’ Directed by Ted Tetzlaff, cinematographer on Notorious, My Man Godfrey, Road to Zanzibar…, The Window is a simple tale of a crime in the city. Tommy boy regularly cries wolf, Tommy boy sees something really bad happen and then Tommy boy steps into a world of hurt. The Window is solid film noir but doesn’t offer anything exceptionally noteworthy to tack up in the hallowed halls. It’s straight ahead, but tense enough to pull you through the other end with a knot in your stomach. Cornell Woolrich wrote the story this is based on and there are certainly some similarities to Rear Window. While it seems to start out as a cautionary tale, it soon becomes apparent the movie has a point to make. It’s a time in history when all children were expected to be seen and not heard and openly smacked silly when they stepped out of line. The adult was always believed regardless of the situation. The Window knocks this bully on its ass, standing up for the rights of our tiny tot Tommy, much like Linderman in My Bodyguard. Now, I didn’t set out to bring a Chris Makepeace movie into this, but goddamnit, now that I have, I feel really good about myself.

Along with movies, I'm rather obsessed with tikis and have both collected & carved them for a number of years. I'm always on the lookout for a glimpse of one of these island gods of the South Pacific in my cinematic viewing expeditions. Please along your sightings & help me bump up this list!

• Bikini a Go Go
• She Gods of Shark Reef
• In Harm's Way
• The Big Bounce
• Bio-Dome
• Rapa Nui
• The Incredibles
• Donovan's Reef
• Turkey Shoot
• I Am Cuba

This is an ongoing list of movies that left me flopping in a pool of "fuuuuuuck."

• Seconds
• The Untold Story
• Ebola Syndrome
• Come and See
• Salò, or the 120 Days of Sodom
• Scum
• I Stand Alone
• Nil by Mouth — ★★★★
• The War Zone — ★★★★