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Michael Berryman cures autism with a haunted mirror.

When Monty rips ass his butthole glows.

There’s a hilarious third act Zac Brown needle drop that had me cackling like a hyena but otherwise this is sub-Dateline episode trash

A24 is developing its own slop formula for the young discerning cinephile who is growing out of Marvel films but still needs to be spoon fed basic themes and told they’re a good boy for “getting it”

A few cute nods to other, better films (a fun reminder that you could be watching something else) and some truly garish cheap CGI. There’s a much better film to be made here but I doubt anyone involved is interested in that.

In a world where films are routinely scrapped for tax write-offs, someone decided that Rust needed to see the light of day. A western made by people with no understanding of or reverence for westerns and so languidly paced you’re better off watching a kettle boil. At least the kettle won’t have Alec Baldwin’s dopey cowboy accent.

Spielberg’s segment is so bad it makes you forget how evil John Landis is for twenty minutes

Watched on Tuesday May 27, 2025.

This Tarantino guy is going places

If every big budget movie was just a dumb version of Heat the world would be a better place

I watched this on an airplane and spent most of the runtime wishing I was on United flight 93 instead

Watched on Friday May 9, 2025.

A movie about waiting for Rutger Hauer to show up and when he finally does, it barely matters

I want to commend Patrick Lussier for caring entirely too much about this boring pile of schlocky shit, god bless him

Yes, it’s the perfect example of 00s culture and mainstream Y2K cinema. An artifact frozen in time. It’s also INSANELY boring, so there’s that too.

Suffers from most of the same issues as Pearl but Ti West actually loves and understands the things he’s aimlessly paying homage to in this one so I guess it’s slightly better. It’s like he was convinced this was his Once Upon a Time in Hollywood but really it’s his Last Night in SoHo.

What exactly are we doing here? Flirting with the aesthetics of classic Sirkian melodrama while limply gesturing at themes and hoping something sticks. Class, the pandemic (lol), sexual repression and the emotional trauma of coming face to face with the reality that most dreams don’t come true… It’s all here and all of it is handled with the subtlety of a sledgehammer to the side of your head. Ti West is at his best when his films are focused and small in scope. Pearl is neither of those things (and perhaps by the widest margin of his career). This is the equivalent of a talented chef dumping a scoop of chocolate ice cream on a slice of pizza and calling it dinner. There’s no harmony, just a few irable individual parts chugging along and clashing while you stare at the final product bewildered.

Anyone who went to college knows the horror of being trapped in a musty basement with a guy who read The God Delusion. At least High Grant is having a good time!

I don’t think anyone should be doing an even worse version of a bad Guy Ritchie movie in the year of our lord 2024. Embarrassing stuff!

(Mostly) trashy fun. Reminds me of when Joe D’Amato would sneakily use the sets/actors from a film he was working on to make another, cheaper film. It looks like Marshall stole everything that wasn’t nailed down from a Game of Thrones episode he worked on to make a pulpy little folk horror film. It’s hard to tell if he’s interested in doing anything more than gesturing at whatever themes are present, but I doubt you’re watching this for the 17th century girl power.

I came for Neil Marshall’s Aliens and got Neil Marshall’s Shocking Dark

Watched on Monday April 21, 2025.

Alcoholism = Lycanthropy. Pretty straightforward as far as metaphors go but this gets bogged down in hokey ass Sundance indie film small town politics that don’t quite jive with what the rest of the film is doing. Oh well. Larry Fessenden is a one of a kind horror filmmaker.

Watched on Friday April 18, 2025.

If I was a wolf man I would also mark my territory by pissing on James spader

This is the “crying Indian” Keep America Beautiful™️ PSA from the 1970s reimagined as a werewolf movie.

Watched on Saturday April 5, 2025.

Watched on Saturday April 5, 2025.

I was maybe (a little) harsh on this one the first time around. The initial procedural tech gimmick bits work fine but the last 30-45 of twisty spiraling nonsense absolutely tanks any momentum. Why betray your aesthetic and lean into your glaring weakness (traditional filmmaking)?

Rewatching this one, the regressive politics read more as camp than total numbskull transphobia. Museum scene is an entire film school in 10 minutes.

If you want to give yourself a stroke, try to figure out why no one in this film can decide on how to pronounce the name “Shaggy”

Nearly every cTom film is about child sex trafficking but it’s hard to tell if he’s for or against it

cTom (allegedly) refused to pay the lead actress the $900 he owed her for Lucy’s Law and somehow ended up in a low speed police chase at the Detroit International Airport.

Anyone who has seen Neil Breen's Fateful Findings can't forget the absurd final five minutes where Dylan, played by Breen, releases "the most secret government and corporate secrets" causing various congressmen and business leaders to kill themselves en masse.

Now imagine that same energy stretched out for 80 minutes, but this time, the president of the United States is in a coma, shitting his pants and converting to Islam via DVD. Pretty sure this is also pro-Al Qaeda, which makes Breen's high-minded anti-authoritarian politics seem quaint in comparison.

So yeah, it's essential and unwatchable. cTom forever.

The Russo brothers remind me of backwards baseball cap weed dealers in college who hear that you like movies and want to talk about how much they like fucking ROUNDERS or something. I hate this.

Post-marvel the Russo’s are pioneering a new perversion of auteur theory. It’s definitively a Russo film because, no matter who is involved, it is completely devoid of any style and personality. This is gruel.

The Russo brothers are the only directors I can confidently say could be replaced by A.I. and no one would know.

Worth watching for Christopher Walken’s insane IDF guy impersonation

I bet Jackie Chan and James Glickenhaus absolutely hate each other

Watched on Friday March 14, 2025.

I’m surprised this was never reclaimed as a dad-core action cinema classic. A lot to love but the final few moments are powerfully stupid in a pump your fist in the air kind of way. Maybe the best Glickenhaus film.

Not very good but it’s still the best movie where Owen Wilson says the N word in the first 5 minutes

Man, this and Longlegs feel like they have a lot of the same problems. Ditch the bland CGI gore, crank up the straight-faced comedy and you’d really have something here. And why the fuck does it always have to be about TRAUMA? I'm tired, American horror film industry. I promise we can find a new theme.

Still rooting for you, Osgood Perkins.

I could throw this on and just listen to the soundtrack

Watched on Thursday March 6, 2025.

Watched on Sunday March 2, 2025.

Watched on Saturday March 1, 2025.

I don’t know how much actual mileage you can get out of “what if robots had autism?” combined with “Do you this stuff from better movies?”

Even if there was something more to sink your teeth into, fuck off forever with that CGI Rook shit.

PEEmelia POOrez

Watched on Monday February 17, 2025.

Watched on Saturday February 15, 2025.

Garbage films and psychotronic oddities for idiots and misanthropes.

Requirements for Inclusion: Must be universally panned and/or marginalized genre films. Must be entertaining and watchable.

• Deadly Prey
• Raw Force
• Invasion U.S.A.
• TerrorVision
• Basket Case
• Frankenhooker
• Samurai Cop
• Santa's Slay
• GetEven
• Cobra

...plus 91 more. View the full list on Letterboxd.

• Red Lights
• Slumberland

Become a better person. Expand your tiny film brain. Tell your stepdad to get off your back. Embrace the Optimism Vaccine Film Canon.

• The Sinful Dwarf
• Me You Madness
• GetEven
• Deadly Lessons
• Dial: Help
• Freddy Got Fingered
• Gods of Egypt
• Final Flesh

Heynong man, get a better agent

• Dirty Grandpa
• The House
• How to Be Single
• Infinite
• Dolittle

I would like this to be Me You Madness 10 times

1. The Worst Person in the World
2. Me You Madness
3. Malignant
4. New York Ninja
5. Pig
6. Titane
7. Red Rocket

The definitive ranking of Whoopi Goldberg's films after completing the 2020 Whoopathon for OptimismVaccine.com // The OpVac Cast. Yes, I know we didn't watch Ghost. Please don't make me watch any more Whoopi. I can't do it.

Listen here: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/optimism-vaccine/id966605644

1. Fatal Beauty
2. Eddie
3. The Color Purple
4. Jumpin' Jack Flash
5. Sister Act
6. Burglar
7. Theodore Rex
8. Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit
9. Made in America
10. The Associate

...plus 3 more. View the full list on Letterboxd.

Probably will just end up being 10 Blumhouse movies TBH

1. Bacurau
2. Da 5 Bloods
3. Unhinged
4. First Cow
5. The Invisible Man
6. Possessor
7. Color Out of Space
8. On the Rocks
9. The Vast of Night
10. Freaky

It’s a work in progress but I promise my opinion is the only correct one

1. Once Upon a Time... in Hollywood
2. Uncut Gems
3. Marriage Story
4. The Irishman
5. Avengement
6. Parasite
7. Dragged Across Concrete
8. High Life
9. Greener Grass
10. Dolemite Is My Name

If your fav isn’t on here it’s actually bad. That’s the only explanation.

1. Burning
2. Zama
3. First Reformed
4. Eighth Grade
5. the Girls
6. Sorry to Bother You
7. The Favourite
8. Revenge
9. The Night Comes for Us
10. The Other Side of the Wind